What are you running from?

Community Center run

Sackets Harbor half marathon

Teachers Union Run

My Oldest Emerald and Me

Cross Country Color Run

Garnet Running with Shoes

These images seem like a lifetime ago. Well, they are— a life I was constantly running from. Running one of my 8 children to one event or another, raising little ones, being pregnant most of the time, and trying to prove myself to a husband who really could not see past his own mental health, addictions, and trauma to give me much attention. I tried to be everything to everyone. I aimed to be the best mom to my kids, yet lay down the law as my parents had done to me. That had worked for the first 3 pretty well, but babies 4 through 8 knew to wait a while before incarnating this time around. They thought, "We will let those older ones wear her down first before we appear."

It was a solid plan, and it worked somewhat for them, though they did enter into a dysfunctional family with very little fun unless it centered around running. I know these kids were legends— everyone knew the Pfeffers. They were the barefoot running family. We were at every race the local community had. All eight of us, then there were nine, and finally, we ended up with ten. I ran through all of my pregnancies right up to just before delivery, and within 3 weeks postpartum, I was back at it. You couldn't keep me down for long.

Color Run 7 months post partum

# 10 running as a blonde

Mauve @ 2 wanting to run

Indigo Marathong Training

winter running in the dark

What was I running from? Why was I making all of my kids learn to run from their problems too? We were running from many things, mostly from a home life that no one knew about, and we all were just trying to survive without anyone finding out what really went on. Walking on eggshells, not knowing when someone would lose it on one of us.

I had unknowingly recreated my childhood life with my children. However, I did protect my children from most of the physical abuse; the mental abuse is theirs, and I intend to help them heal from it. I take responsibility for sheltering their father from what should have been brought forward at the time. It's water under the bridge, and I realize that my staying in that situation for 30 years will be something they will have to heal from. I was not the perfect parent; I lost my temper, but it usually ended in tears, with me on the floor crying, saying I was sorry for getting mad, surrounded by little ones just wanting to make me not sad. Those moments were few because I was the strongest that had ever been born! I could prove that to anyone. On off-running days, I would do 1500 push-ups. An average running day was 8 miles long, with long runs of 12 to 14 miles, unless I was marathon training, then that meant a 20-miler. Again, what was I running from?

Pregnant With Golden @ 5 Months

I was running to prove that I could be the best daughter, vying for my middle daughter status. I was making up for the time I ran away from home when I was 17 because I was afraid to go home and face the punishment I knew was waiting for me. I continued to stay away for 9 months, graduated high school through the help of strangers. When I finally returned home, the tempers of my parents had cooled, but I would spend the next 30 years trying to make it up to my family for what I had put them through. I had run away then, but I went back, graduated college in a year to prove I was something special, got scholarships, and graduated at the top of my class. But it was a fashion degree; I was told anyone could do that, it was Mickey Mouse courses. Not real college... And so I ran!

I was five months pregnant with my last baby when I ran a half marathon. I was already training this little thing on how to run from our problems. I thought I was strong by staying, but what really took strength was to walk away.

Mud Run With Val

The rub marks after a long run

Sub Zero Run

That baby was 4 when I went for my last run.

I sold everything I could, and with the help of a few good friends, I left. Some would say that I ran away again! But the difference is that this time I have stayed away. I have learned from all that running that I am the strongest, and I deserve to be valued, loved, and cherished. I am a very talented, hard-working mother! I have made it now on my own. I have finally used my strength to show my children how it is to be done.

I see runners out when I take my walks, and I think, hmmm. Wonder what they are running from? I walk now and enjoy my body; I have stopped punishing it for all the things I have done in my past. I live for the Now! It's wonderful there's no guilt because I have stopped running, and I have nothing to prove to anyone but me. I know my strength and worth. I have finally learned to love myself.